I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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