you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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