So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
