Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
