Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
