mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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