i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
