I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
