yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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