i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
