Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
