I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
