It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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