new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
