it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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