Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
