I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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