Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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