The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
