You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
