you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
