Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
