I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
