Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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