do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
