After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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