I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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