wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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