I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
