i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
