my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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