Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
