I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
