I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
