brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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