Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
