I'm really into asian looking animals
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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