In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
