She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
