All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
