I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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