Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
