I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
