I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
