I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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