I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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