my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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