I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
