So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
