I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
