We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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