Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
