im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
