So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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