I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Please don't give away my fajitas
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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