She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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