I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
