if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
