This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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